A low B

I just had my first cell biology test two days ago... and I got a low B.  I felt very confident going in, and even after it was done.  I felt I had gotten an A.  Instead, I got a low B.  I was very disappointed, especially because I thought I had done so well. 

The bad grade really gets me down because I have it in my head that I need to get all A's from here on out.  And that's probably true to off set my poor undergraduate GPA.

So, I start to wonder if medical school is right for me?  I think I would be a good doctor, but I don't think I would do all that great in medical school.  I feel pretty stupid right now.  Like I can't remember things very well and that when I think I have an understanding, I really don't.

Part of me wants to throw in the towel and enjoy my son and forget about over thinking the future.  The other part of me realizes that I could just be frustrated and letting anxiety get the better of me. The times in my past that I've given up are the times I've regretted most.  I would like to think that if I give up the dream of medical school, I have something better to take its place.   

My other big dream is to run my own internet business.  The reading I've done about starting an internet business leads me to believe it wouldn't be any easier in the beginning, but would lead to bigger payout of more free time and money in the future.  Medical school is more structured whereas running my own business could lead to failure more easily.

Part of me really wants to have an MD or a PhD, just to have the title of doctor.  It seems both silly and highly desirable at the same time.

So, to sum up, I feel really confused... again... I'm not really sure where I'm headed at the moment.  If I can muster the determination, I will try to get an A in Cell Biology.  Or, I will get an A in Cell Biology.  "Do or do not, there is no try."  - Yoda.

Holding myself accountable

One of the keys to being successful, I think, is to hold oneself accountable. I suppose holding myself accountable is going to be my main benefit from this blog.


A year and a half ago, the admissions counselor at KU Med wanted me to take 12-15 more credits of upper level science courses before applying to medical school again.  It is a lot of work, but she basically wanted me to prove that I could handle the upper level science work. 

So, to start down that path, I am taking a class starting in just under 4 weeks.  It is Cell Biology.  I am a bit nervous since I haven't had intro biology in about 12 years, which is the pre-requisite for this class.  But I decided to go for cell biology thinking that the prep I had done for the MCAT two summers ago would be something, plus I could reference the books I still have.  The other thing was that I would have had to get an A in intro biology and that would be a lot of pressure that wasn't exactly necessary.  The admissions counselor said she wouldn't necessarily recommend repeating any of my previous classes, but just to take things like genetics and biochemistry. 

I started reading my MCAT biology book and listening to the audio lectures today.  I had been thinking I didn't really want to start the whole school thing right now, but after doing some refersher work, I'm getting excited.  I like the science and miss the academic challenge.  It will be nice to exercise the grey matter again. 

I need to get an A, which I did successfully at community college.  However, I'm starting at UMKC, a 4-year university.  My previous experience at Michigan was that science classes were very hard and it was hard to get an A.  Who knows if it was my study habits at the time or what, but I hope I can get an A now. 

To go or not to go, that is the question

I'm starting a blog.  I never thought this day would come, but here we are.  I'm not making any promises for how often or how much I'm going to write.  For now, the main purpose is to put some thoughts into words about me going to medical school some day.  Or not.

Background: I always wanted to go to medical school. Blah, blah, blah.  I decided against going mid-way through college, only to decide I wanted to go again a few years after graduating and getting married.  Then I decided against going, then I thought I wanted to go, then I started taking classes.  Then I had a baby.  The baby is almost a year old and I'm about to start back to school in less than a month.

Current: No one can really tell you what it's going to be like for you personally to be a mother.  People can tell you what their experience was like and how they changed.  You can imagine all day long, but when it finally happens, things change.  Being a mother is a lot like what I thought it would be and totally different at the same time.  I guess I didn't realize how much I would change.  Or how much the baby really would be the center of my universe.  Maybe it's because we're still nursing, but my life really does revolve around him.

Future: I'm beginning to see an end to the all-consuming infant stage of my son's life.  A future in which I might be able to realize some desires of my own.  And I want another baby.  I want to do it all over again.  Soon.  I still think I want to go to medical school... some day.  I just wonder if the sacrifice is too much.  I love being with my little family and have a hard time seeing myself away from my son as much as would be required to get the medical degree and residency.  On the other hand, to sacrifice my life long dream and not become a doctor seems out of the question, too.